If Dakar did Royal Weddings...

We read a lot about how much Prince William loves Africa. Much like he loves commoners I think. But what would it have been like if it really shown his commitment to the continent by holding his wedding in, err, Dakar?

For a venue, not sure there’s anywhere quite like Westminster Abbey. La Grande Mosquée is pretty, err, grand, and the main Catholic church is pretty special. But surely, oh surely, it would have to be held at the foot of the great ‘Monument de la Renaissance Africaine’, where a foreign family from another age is carved in bronze as an anachronistic monument to waste, vanity and misplaced virility. There are nice flashy lights too.

The guest list would obviously have to be shaken up. Sadly, legalised homophobia means Elton John is persona non grata here, while Senegalese immigration would probably stop the 'Princess of Yugoslavia' from entering on the grounds that her country doesn't exist anymore (she is, however 1397th in line to the British throne). 

The real King, Yekini.

Two kings would, no doubt, have to be present – champion wrestler Yekini (‘Le Roi des Arènes’) and omniprescent singer Youssou N’Dour (‘Le Roi du Mbalax’) would bring some merit-based regality. Obviously still no place for Brown or Blair, but equally none for Iran’s President Ahmadenijad - former best buddy found to be arming rebels in the south of the country. Doh!

 

The dress? No doubt you could get a Sarah Burton replica knocked up in no time in Marché HLM for less than a packet of Prince Charles’s organic ryvita. But how well would Princess Eugenie ‘blue vagina’ hat go down in a slightly more conservative country than Blighty? Or Beatrice's ovarian tube number?

No problem dressing the chaps – there should be plenty of left-over costumes from that oft-forgotten (but worth remembering) ‘Colonial and Native’ party that good-old Wills had for his 23rd birthday. You know the one - the bash where Wills dressed as a Zulu and Harry as a Nazi. Just like us, remember. Just like us. 

No question about the carriage – no more impressive way to arrive than in a multi-coloured ‘Car Rapide’, with handy back door to hang out of to wave at the adoring crowds and buy some official Kate and Wills phone cards on the way. Unless noone else is getting on, in which case they’ll have to wait a while to move, obviously.

The after-party would risk being more sober, but not less animated - at least until the first power cut. If anything like Senegalese grandmothers, The Queen would be shaking her booty while Prince Charles twists and writhes to mbalax. The Queen Mum might even be coaxed into a number, turning in her grave, while Prince Philip would stay in the corner muttering about "the damn natives", insisting to anyone who would listen that "we’d have done a better job than the bloody french".

Of course, sadly, this is all just a pipe dream. Senegal will never be host to a Royal Wedding like this, it's just not cut out for it, just not made for this sort of thing. You have to vote for the Head of State here. How bloody barbaric!